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Sarah Palin Fights Polar Bears
Back in January, a little known Alaskan governor published an op-ed in the New York Times. Us polar bears have gathered together to pen our counterpoint to Sarah's point.
Question: do you find it as shocking as we do that Sarah Palin reads the New York Times?
Question: do you find it as shocking as we do that Sarah Palin reads the New York Times?
by Sarah Palin |  Counterpointby Polar Bear |
| "About the closest most Americans will ever get to a polar bear are those cute, cuddly animated images that smiled at us while dancing around, pitching soft drinks on TV and movie screens this holiday season." | We know where this is going. She's trying to minimize our importance by suggesting we're not immediately available to the vast majority of the population. Come on, Sarah. That's a rookie league move. |
| "This is unfortunate, because polar bears are magnificent animals, not cartoon characters." | This statement confirms that Sarah Palin thinks you are stupid. In a recent poll, 100% of respondents (+/- 4 points) knew that polar bears were real. |
| "They are worthy of our utmost efforts to protect them and their Arctic habitat." | I'm smelling what you're cooking, Sarah! Bring it! |
| "But adding polar bears to the nation’s list of endangered species, as some are now proposing, should not be part of those efforts." | What? You just said humans should do everything in their power. You confuse me. |
| "To help ensure that polar bears are around for centuries to come, Alaska (about a fifth of the world’s 25,000 polar bears roam in and around the state) has conducted research and worked closely with the federal government to protect them." | Sorry...wild salmon stuck in our throat...BULLSH&T! |
| "We have a ban on most hunting — only Alaska Native subsistence families can hunt polar bears — and measures to protect denning areas and prevent harassment of the bears." | When you say "most hunting" does that include helicopter hunting? |
| "We are also participating in international efforts aimed at preserving polar bear populations worldwide." | Were these efforts the reason you finally got a passport? |
| "This month, the secretary of the interior is expected to rule on whether polar bears should be listed under the Endangered Species Act." | It's about f*cking time! There are only 25,000 of us left. That's only 4 times the population of the town you were mayor of. |
| "I strongly believe that adding them to the list is the wrong move at this time. My decision is based on a comprehensive review by state wildlife officials of scientific information from a broad range of climate, ice and polar bear experts." | Hold on there, Scary Spice. From what we've heard, you really didn't listen to your state wildlife officials. |
| "The Center for Biological Diversity, an environmental group, has argued that global warming and the reduction of polar ice severely threatens the bears’ habitat and their existence. In fact, there is insufficient evidence that polar bears are in danger of becoming extinct within the foreseeable future — the trigger for protection under the Endangered Species Act." | "Foreseeable" seems to be the operative word here. Extinct within the next couple of years? Probably not...I'll give you that. But if you humans don't get off the mark pretty soon, the only place you'll see us is in those cartoons you were talking about. |
| "And there is no evidence that polar bears are being mismanaged through existing international agreements and the federal Marine Mammal Protection Act." | Says who? Bush's global warming experts? British Petroleum's crack polar bear population team? |
| "The state takes very seriously its job of protecting polar bears and their habitat and is well aware of the problems caused by climate change." | So if climate changes is causing us problems (ie. melting our ice) and we can't live without our ice, wouldn't that suggest we're endangered? |
| "But we know our efforts will take more than protecting what we have — we must also learn what we don’t know." | And we all know that you don't know what the Vice President actually does. But I digress. |
| "That’s why state biologists are studying the health of polar bear populations and their habitat. As a result of these efforts, polar bears are more numerous now than they were 40 years ago." | There are still only 25,000 polar bears in the entire arctic region. That would be like the equivalent of 10 people living in the state of California. |
| "The polar bear population in the southern Beaufort Sea off Alaska’s North Slope has been relatively stable for 20 years, according to a federal analysis." | Wouldn't this suggest that things aren't too rosy? Us bears like getting it on like the rest of you so if things were groovy, wouldn't there be more of us now than there were back in the day? |
| "We’re not against protecting plants and animals under the Endangered Species Act. Alaska has supported listings of other species, like the Aleutian Canada goose. The law worked as it should — under its protection the population of the geese rebounded so much that they were taken off the list of endangered and threatened species in 2001. Listing the goose — then taking it off — was based on science." | So you were for it before you were against it or were you against it before you were for it? |
| "The possible listing of a healthy species like the polar bear would be based on uncertain modeling of possible effects. This is simply not justified.What is justified is worldwide concern over the proven effects of climate change." | The ice is melting. We live on the ice. Unless you're going to provide us with outboard motors and a boat, I think you're missing the point! |
| "The Center for Biological Diversity, which petitioned for the polar bear to be protected, wants the listing to force the government to either stop or severely limit any public or private action that produces, or even allows, the production of greenhouse gases. But the Endangered Species Act is not the correct tool to address climate change — the act itself actually prohibits any consideration of broader issues." | I smell legalese hear. Can't we all agree that we need more polar bears? I don't really care how you do it but I'm pretty sure you put us on the ESA list and things get better for us bears. |
| "Such limits should be adopted through an open process in which environmental issues are weighed against economic and social needs, and where scientists debate and present information that policy makers need to make the best decisions." | "Blah blah blah blah blah." |
| "Americans should become involved in the issue of climate change by offering suggestions for constructive action to their state governments. But listing the polar bear as threatened is the wrong way to get to the right answer." | Great! So you don't support putting us on the list. So what do you suggest? You're a lot of smoke and no fire, Sarah! And that's just what we don't need...more greenhouse emissions. |
| "Sarah Palin, a Republican, is the governor of Alaska." | Polar Bear, an independent, is a polar bear and she's pissed off. |
frozentundra |
Latest page update: made by frozentundra
, Sep 13 2008, 12:40 PM EDT
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